Many people will tell you many things about what you should do when you go on holiday somewhere, and those people will be wrong.
I don’t even need to know what they said, but they clearly have no idea what they’re talking about and the only reason they’re even communicating with you is because they want to sell you something. Probably Bitcoin. This is the modern world we live in, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will realise that you need a haircut.
So why is this post any different? Because I’m not like those other travel guides! Why would I tell you all those negative things if I wasn’t the real-deal, the one you can trust. I’m not trying to make this planet lonely nor is this guide rough. This is the smooth, popular real deal. These are the tips that people don’t tell you because they are scared and maybe they should be.
I’m gonna bullet point this shit because I know you have zero attentio
- Stop trying to fit too much in
Yeah, that’s right. You’re going somewhere and have seen a list of fifty things you HAVE to do when you get there because otherwise they WILL revoke your passport and threaten you with paper cuts. You’ve only got two days, but you can fit those fifty things in, right? You could spend six seconds at the Arc De Triomphe before catching an Ubercopter to Berlin where you can fly over the Brandenburg Gate taking photographs before hijacking a Space X mobile to The Moon for lunch. You’ll get home and spend more time looking at the photos of the things you saw than you actually spent looking at the things.
Instead, take the time to enjoy something properly. Acknowledge the fact that spending a few hours spent somewhere is going to be a lot more fun and interesting than spending the majority of your time in some sort of transport getting from A to B. You’ll get to take it all in let your mind wander and do it all with a relaxed mind, not distracted by other things. Your tick list will have fewer ticks, but those ticks will be deep-rooted, perhaps even ripping the fabric of the paper.
- Do the stuff that you don’t normally do
This is point number one. Numero uno. Yet, it’s point number two in this list because that’s a bit different. See how it works? When people go to a place, they will use top ten lists to decide how to occupy the daylight hours before they can legally spend the night getting shitfaced. For example, when I went to the south of the USA, every recommendation was like “you just HAVE to visit THIS antebellum house, then THAT antebellum house, then a DIFFERENT antebellum house.”.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s an important part of history that shouldn’t be swept over and gives an insight into how things were during less enlightened times. However after you’ve seen three of them, you’ve probably seen enough dead-rich people ornaments. Instead, we took the advice of an Airbnb host who called himself “The Captain” and visited an on-land oil-rig where they train people how to live on an oil-rig.
Oil rig. Oil. Rig.
We got to learn first hand how life on the oil rig where there was no currency and everyone strived to improve life for everyone else was a beautiful and inclusive experience. We then got told about how communism was a bad thing. It was one of the weirdest and most memorable experiences of the entire trip and better still, no-one died! Six stars!
- Don’t be smashed the entire time
Look, this one is going to be a struggle for some people I know. You look forward to changing up your lifestyle from getting smashed in the evenings and weekends only, to getting smashed at all times of the day while vocally praising the Spanish for the concept of a siesta even though you’re passed out alone in your room at 4pm in Sweden. Whilst this seems like a great thing to do at the time, what you will find happening is that you will feel less relaxed after your holiday, and the post-holiday blues will be physical, not just psychological. If this feels like a leap too far for you, then at least make it so that the last two days are clean ones. If this is also too much, the temptation to make them massive too great, then just make sure you smash a smorgasbord of paella or something before bed to try and soak up the impending doom. Like a cup of water on a forest fire.
- If you’re being a bit of a dick, pretend to be from a different country
Lots of countries have reputations for their populations turning into absolute weapons the moment they set foot in another country. There’s the British in Spain, the British in The Netherlands, the British in Greece, I could go on. Rather than add to this justified and overwhelming feeling of resentment to the population of your country, if you realise that you’re acting like a bit of a dick and bringing shame upon your nation, then pretend to be from somewhere else. Don’t get too ambitious and start trying to approximate languages, but a good one for Brits is to tuck your t-shirt into your trousers and adopt an American accent declaring everything to be “so god-damn old”. Keep your shame to yourself.
- Don’t go to McDonald’s
Unless you really want to. What do I care, it’s your life.
- Feast on local knowledge
Who knows more about a place than the people who live there? Well, people who recently lived there but moved away, and while they were living there were very socially active, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Think about the things you know about your hometown that no travel guide could tell you?
- The best place for a late night piss that the police won’t bother you.
- The seat someone died on in your local pub and soiled themselves when they did. They cleaned it sure, but the colour changed and you wouldn’t ever sit there again.
- The door they sometimes leave open at the back of the cinema.
- Where those hidden cocktail bars where the door is actually a toothbrush that you can only get in them by clicking your heels together three times and offering your soul to the Mighty Jason are.
Hey. You have a wealth of knowledge that lives nowhere except within the grotty confines of your skull. Well guess what bozo, other people are the same. But with the place they live. To get the most out of a place, you need to find someone who lives there and suck the knowledge out of their head, like a knowledge smoothie, before mushing it into your own brain, like you shouldn’t do with a smoothie. I already know your next question, so be relaxed and let me ask it for you.
How do I get this information from people who are rightfully disgusted by my very presence?
Meeting strangers is an unnerving experience and one I’ll write about in depth at a later date, but in the meantime, here are some tips to break the ice with someone you’ve never met.
- Just ask! Whether you’re next to someone at a urinal or standing in the doorway of a train at a station, there’s never a bad time to ask someone their advice. When someone gets asked for advice it plays on their ego and they will instantly be flattered, going out of their way to share the knowledge they have. Be sure to write it down though, as you’ll be too busy smiling and nodding to actually take anything they say in and will need that information at a later point.
Not sure why I made a bullet point for that bit, there was only one point.
- Catch the public transport
I know what you’re thinking.
“What sort of scummer do you think I am, using public transport? I pay for my Netflix account every month and know every letter of the alphabet. Don’t you know who I am!?“.
I know, I know. It’s difficult to understand why anyone would do something like this when your cupboard is literally overflowing with foie gras, but discovering a new place isn’t just about seeing the best of it, it’s also about understanding some of the annoying aspects that make the local population behave the peculiar way that they do.
For example, only by travelling on the London Underground at peak hour can you know what that armpit smell of a commuter truly smells like as it’s pushed within an inch of your face. That unique cocktail of flavours that is London, filling your lungs with each half-breath.
Only then can you learn the shame that comes from having someone shout “Can you move down, please” at you in that Notting-Hill polite tone that you’ve seen in the movies but now it’s here in real life. Smile and take a photo of them as their rage intensifies at the space behind your oblivious being. You learn about the daily frustrations that face the proletariat which gives you a more rounded picture of the population you’re upsetting.
- Don’t forget to have fun
If making plans makes you feel better, fine.
If getting to the airport and realising you don’t know where you’re staying floats your boat, fine.
Most likely you’ll have a great time or at least break up the repetitive monotony that is life. Even if you spend the entire time at the poolside soaking up those skin cancer rays while slathering yourself with cooking fat, ending up like a tempura prawn, you do you. Do what you want. Stop using online guides written by pretentious knobbers to find ways to feel guilty about what you did or didn’t achieve.
As long as you’re not hurting others, then you’re fine. If you must hurt someone, make it yourself.
